I am a fast webpage, kneel before my greatness

Unlike your inferior, punk pages I load quickly and immediately. This is because I am superior to you mere mortals. The things I do can not be perceived by your weak eyes and tiny brains.

Gaze at my beauty, humans, but gaze not long

You want to be like me? Ha! Please, the things I do to be fast can not be understood by you baboons. You think you can understand how? Well isn't that adorable. I will even explain everything I do to be fast and you still won't get it.

External calls

I make no external calls, everything needed to load this page is contained in the HTML.


My CSS is inlined, like a boss. I do not need an external file for my CSS. My CSS is small and nimble. My CSS is less than 25 lines and I am still completely responsive and look amazing on any device. Even if I wanted to use more complex CSS I could as long as it was delivered intelligently.


My images are inlined into the HTML using the base64 image tool, so there is no need for the browser to go looking for some image linked to as an external file.


I use no javascript, but I could if I wanted to, I would simply need to defer it.

Gzip compression

I am not an idiot, my files take advantage of Gzip compression.


I am not on a shared host, I am hosted on a VPS, my hard drives are SSD, and have no moving parts. I understand hosting is important and I am willing to pay 25 to 35 dollars a month to be awesome to my users. I use Knownhost SSD hosting.

I am done with you

Go away from me, I am too far beyond your ability to comprehend.

back to the Google pagespeed guidelines

by Patrick Sexton